i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
