Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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