I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
