note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize