Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
