Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
