I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
