Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
