i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
