I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
