I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
