is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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