I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize