he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
