My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
