I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
