It's Friday. Sex?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
