omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
