Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize