Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
