so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
They took my balls.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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