...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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