So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
