i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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