Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize