i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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