conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
