I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
