Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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