I will die if light touches me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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