So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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