If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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