from now on my penis is your penis
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
