did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
