I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
