WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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