I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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