I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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