I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize