Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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