It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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