there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
