it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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