I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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