You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
