I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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