4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
