who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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