my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
