Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
