My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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