I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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