also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
