I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
