how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
