oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize