My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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