i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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