apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
