and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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